Man Doing Whippet While Setting Off M-80 In Woods Behind Hardee’s Takes Moment To Reflect On How Promise Of Freedom Yet Unfulfilled
NORPHLET, AR—Breathing deeply of nitrous oxide as he listened to the powerful explosions, solemn and somber local man Maxwell Baker reportedly took a moment while doing whippets and setting off M-80s in the woods behind Hardee’s Saturday to reflect upon the unfulfilled promise of American freedom. “This nation was conceived as a city on a hill, yet we’re still generations away from achieving that founding vision,” said Baker, tossing an empty canister of Reddi-wip to the ground as he stood amongst a cluster of trees off the expressway and ruminated on the true meaning of Independence Day. “It’s important to remember these noble ideals we’re celebrating are just that—ideals, and not a reality we’ve brought forth upon this land. We’re more than 200 years into this so-called ‘grand experiment,’ and what do we have to show for it? Mass incarceration? Economic inequality? Unending racial injustice? True liberty is enjoyed only by the wealthy and the privileged.” At press time, Baker was meditating on the inseparable relationship between capitalism and oppression while heading down to the Hardee’s parking lot to see what would happen if he tied the fuses of a couple M-80s together and set them off in a dumpster.
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