Sunday, March 29, 2020

MORE LAUGHS TO CHEER YOU UP Jack Blanchard's Column March 29, 2020

  Thousands of intelligent good-looking readers.


Misty said, "You're growing old with grace, and Grace is getting sick of it."

Something dropped in the kitchen.
I said, "What are we having?"
Misty said, "Floor pie."

The husband said, "Well, I only have 24 hours to live.
Let's take a ride through the park, eat at the best restaurant,
and make love all night."
She said, "Easy for you to say. You don't have to get up in the morning."

A trainload of thesauruses jumped the track.
Witnesses were startled, aghast, amazed,
appalled, astonished, astounded, and dismayed.

The light in our refrigerator goes off when you open the door.

The doctor said, "Give him a laxative but don't aim him at anybody."

The cowboy said: "That's the ugliest, stupidest looking beast I've ever seen."
The buffalo said: "I think I just heard a discouraging word."

On Thanksgiving I enjoy catching squirrels and dressing them up as Pilgrims.

DUMB JOKE.... A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

I said to the pirate, "How did you get the eye patch?"
He said, "It was my first day with the hook."

I was walking down the street wearing my glasses and the prescription ran out.

At Publix a guy said to Misty, "I saw you giving the bananas a dirty look."
She said, "They started it."

I said, "You're really ugly!"
The bartender said, "You're no open casket case yourself."

Misty said, "Leave the door open. The flies haven't been out all day."

The teacher said, "What is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?"
I said, "I don't know and I don't care!"

Prozac killed my blues career.

Since I learned Morse Code tap dancing drives me crazy!

I was playing the piano and some guy yelled. "Go, Man!" So I left.

They say all life is valuable.
I wouldn't give you two cents for a fruit fly.

Aunt Bess got a hamster fur coat.
We couldn't keep her off the Ferris wheel.

I asked the mechanic about our car.
He said, "You're not getting enough steam."

They can keep me in prison,
but they can't keep my face from breaking out.

I caught a loudmouth bass.
He wouldn't shut up so I threw him back in.
The other fish threw him back in the boat.

My dad said, "I'd like to purchase a chicken."
The farmer said, "Wanta pullet?"
Dad said, "No. Just put it in a bag. I'll carry it."

I'm getting my elbows pierced so I can wear cuff links with a short sleeved shirt.

Bird watching is a popular pastime.
The birds call it "stalking".

"Bewitch me, darling."
"I'll bewitch you in a minute. I'm busy."

My first instrument was the bassinet.

Dr. Phil has a TV show, while I just sit on a bench and yell advice at squirrels.

Where am I going, and what am I doing in this hand basket?

Jack Blanchard

Jack Blanchard & Misty Morgan..
Billboard Duet of the Year, Grammy and CMA Finalists. 
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